IKEA 2100


“We started with a table. It seemed simple: four legs and a top. We already had most of the pieces we needed. We decided to look to nature for the rest.

Elephants have an extremely robust bone and joint structure in their legs, with feet designed to support a great deal of shifting weight on a proportionally small surface. We can use that. Starfish can regrow lost limbs. We can use that. Some octopi can change the colors and patterns in their skin to match their surroundings. We can use that.

Internal structure became our next focus. Omnivores were the obvious choice, because the diets of our customers are widely varied. Some jellyfish are believed to live indefinitely, unless killed. We can use that. Rabbits extract nutrients and moisture from their food extremely efficiently, storing it in their bodies for later use, and producing dry little pellets of feces that are easily collected and disposed of. We can use that. Beta testing has shown some difficulty with spicy food. Get Jennifer in legal on writing up a disclaimer. Remind her that we still need some copy about children putting their hands in the central disposal mouth.

Lastly, We decided to grow our tables without a brain, choosing instead to give them a rudimentary nerve cluster, simply to regulate autonomic functions. Nobody wants to deal with a dining table that has aspirations of being more than a dining table. Still, when I walked past the destructive testing lab, I swear to god I could hear those central disposal mouths moaning. Sunil is running through the CRISPR code right now to see if we can eliminate the vocal chords.”

– IKEA, 2100


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