The Monster in My Head

I’m very emotionally inconsistent. My feelings are dynamic, and at times overwhelming, and I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. My friends all have stories about me blowing up and being an absolute crazy-person, but most of them are too kind to admit it. I’ve learned (through painful trial and error) not to act on my feelings in any given moment, but instead, to observe them over a long period of time, take an average, and make decisions based on that average. Feelings are not abstract. They’re chemistry – hormones, neurotransmitters, nutrition, sleep, chemical addictions, vitamin deficiencies, and we’re now discovering that even our gut biomes can affect the way our brains operate.

We’ve evolved every emotion we have for a specific purpose, many of which no longer fit into the neat little package civilization tells us they should. We make it even harder on ourselves by imposing our ego on top of these complex chemical reactions, telling ourselves that there’s definitely a GOOD REASON we feel the way we feel, and pointing the finger at anything, or anyone, we can find in our lives that we can ascribe blame to. “If I fix this thing…”, “If they hadn’t…”, “If only I had…”

Maybe sometimes it’s just the chemicals. Maybe sometimes, the best thing we can do for ourselves is just be kind to ourselves, and give ourselves space to feel what we’re feeling without acting on it or making life-altering decisions. Maybe sometimes time and space are enough. Other times, maybe we need medication, counseling, catharsis, or better habits. I don’t know what will help you. I don’t know you… I barely know me.

Regardless, feeling guilty about your emotions probably won’t help. Blaming yourself, or anyone else, probably won’t help. Trying to burn the emotion out by indulging it, or wallowing in it, probably won’t help.

Time will probably help, and lucky for us, time passes with or without our participation. Forgiving yourself for being human, and loving yourself THROUGH the process, probably will help. At least, it tends to help me, and that’s the only experience I’ve got.


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